Today I’m feeling amazing! I want to thank whoever it was that created blogging. Since I started doing this I’ve realized how blessed I really am.
Just writing about the good times has made me temporarily forget all those nights where I’d lay in bed listening to Paige and Carter scream through their monitor, waiting to be fed, and thinking ‘why in God’s name did I think having more children was a good idea’ or that ‘I hate this life’ or ‘I’ll never forgive you Grandpa for being a twin’ or ‘if I died right now, would they even care as long as someone, anyone, gave them a bottle’ or ‘why in the hell has this not woke daddy up yet?’ or ‘I wonder how much a night nanny would cost us’, this doesn’t even include the thoughts I’ve had during the day while running between the two of them to get them to keep their binkies in their mouths and be quiet while Noah is screaming he wants juice and cookies, or just plain screaming for no apparent reason…
My kids are amazing! My husband is amazing! I’m one of the luckiest girls in the world… and I can feel that today.
My cardiologist told us that I can’t have any more children because my heart can’t handle it and won’t handle it. It was fine with me to only have two children when Jay and I decided that I would have a tubal ligation… but to be told you CAN’T have more makes things more permanent and takes everything out of your own hands. I like to think that God knew we would regret stopping at two… I remember asking Jay once before we knew about the twins “What if this isn’t God’s plan for us, what if He doesn’t agree with our decision”. Jay’s response was simple “It’s God honey! If he wants us to have more, we’ll have more. You’ll either get pregnant despite the surgery, or he’ll give us twins”. God’s plan must have including us having three children because he made it happen! And I really believe him having a cardiologist tell me that I cannot have any more children was his way of telling us His plan was done.
It dawns on me every now and then that this is it… I might not be fond of the “helpless baby days”, but I’ll never experience it again. I’ll never feel a baby kick in belly again, I’ll never hear that first cry again, I’ll never get to see that first smile again or see the first roll over. Yes, I have many firsts I still get to look forward to, but as I’m sitting here thinking life will get easier when the twins can walk and feed themselves, I’m realizing that for every first they have… it’s also a last.
So yes, I’m blessed! I might not get to have any more children but God has given me my last experience in double vision!